Language Patterns

We will now learn two powerful language models:

·         The Milton model - vague language patterns, associated with the hypnosis.

·         The Meta-model - dealing more with specific meaning and asking information gathering questions.

 

Artfully vague language

'Have you got the time?' A closed question like this one grammatically invites only a yes or no answer. Yet in practice it invariably elicits the time - the outcome or intention, no doubt, of the wrongly worded question. Interestingly, it usually gets a better response than the more precise 'Would you please tell the time?'. Likewise, 'Can you move to the left a bit?' produces a similar action response, instead of the yes or no answer it literally requests. And how many times has a salesperson got an appointment by asking 'Shall we make it Thursday or would you prefer earlier in the week?' The customer tends to focus on the apparent choice, when they really didn't want to commit to any date. These common examples illustrate the way vague or general language can bring about successful outcomes in situations where more precise, correct language might fail. Often, we use such language patterns, unaware of their linguistic vagueness but instinctively aware of the likely response they will get. Here we will consider a range of such language patterns that you can use purposefully (or deliberately) to bring about communication outcomes.

 

Chunking (3)

You may need to use all three approaches, and each has its own language patterns. To chunk down. ask the question: 'What provides an example of that?' Keep repeating the question and see how far you can go. To chunk up, ask the question: 'What does that exemplify?' or 'What purpose does that have?' Again, see how far you can chunk up any word or concept. Laterally, 'What provides another example?' or 'How many can you think of?' Just by exploring the issue within a hierarchy of ideas - the big picture, the significant detail - you will access more ideas and insights.

Uptime and Downtime

 

Our inner world also forms a thinking spectrum, or continuum. At one end of the spectrum we think and act with alertness and focus externally, as when in conversation with another person. At the other end we enter our own thoughts, daydreams and inner world of reality. The former we term uptime, and the latter downtime, of which dream sleep (or, in the extreme, a coma) provides an example.

 

We constantly move up and down this thinking spectrum. At one moment we relate to everything around us and respond very consciously to sensory representations. A moment later we may reflect on something, recalling a memory or imagining a future scenario and thus go into downtime. Even when driving a car or doing something that appears to require great concentration we can enter a down-time world of our own, running on 'auto-pilot' and relying on habitual, unconscious behaviour.

Chunking (2)

In the same way you can chunk a concept down. For instance, instead of talking of a dog, you might consider a particular dog, or part of a dog (such as the paw), or something which dogs do (such as barking). Chunking sideways or laterally, you stay on the same level. Thus dogs chunk laterally to cats, cows, kangaroos or any other mammals, of which they all form a lower chunk level. Sometimes, when communicating, it helps to chunk up, and at other times you can get a better outcome by chunking down or laterally. Depending on your desired outcome or response, vague generalities may suffice. At other times you may need to deal in more detailed, specific information. On the one hand you want to 'see the big picture', or get a better perspective, and on the other hand you wish to 'focus on the detail'. Just as words can reflect our sensory preference, in the same way the words we use may also reflect the chunk sizes we use and where in a hierarchy of ideas they fall. Understanding language in this way will help you immediately in everyday communication. In negotiation or selling you will typically need flexibility within the whole spectrum, from vague to specific, big chunk to small chunk. Then, by chunking down, you may isolate any obstacles to agreement, and the particular issue that needs addressing. This may hinge on a single clause in a contract, or it might turn out to involve, when isolated, a very minor concession. You may also need to chunk down when any plan or agreement needs implementing, as generalities will not suffice at this stage. Laterally, you might compare with another deal you have done, or an example of the particular issue under consideration.

 

Chunking (1)

The hierarchy of ideas concerns the way we think and communicate in chunks' - big chunks (at a general or abstract level), or smaller chunks (to whatever level of detail we need). 'Chunking up' therefore involves lifting an idea to a higher, more general level. For example, instead of thinking of 'sheep' and 'cows', you can chunk up conceptually to 'farm animals', then further up to 'animals'. Chunking up further, you arrive at 'living things', and so on.

 

Using the power of language: The Meta-model and the Milton model

We use words to express ideas or concepts, and we can make them specific or general, with a continuum in between. At one extreme we use very specific and detailed language, and at the other extreme we communicate in a vaguer, more general way. In NLP we use the Meta Model when wanting to elicit detailed, precise information. The Milton Model, by contrast, uses what in NLP we term 'artfully vague' language. Both models can achieve extraordinary communication results, but in very different ways. Although you will learn about these two models, in practice the way we use language represents more of a continuum. In speaking and writing we keep moving along it, adopting different degrees of preciseness or vagueness. To change the analogy, we adopt a hierarchy of preciseness or vagueness, and operate within that hierarchy, depending on the purpose and circumstances of our communication.

 

PRECISE

‘The continuum of language’

 

VAGUE

A high-level concept word or nominalization, like 'honesty' (as in 'Jean values honesty'), has only a general meaning. But, depending on the context, you can usually break it down into more concrete ideas (like 'She tells the truth to her boss' or 'She speaks her mind'), and eventually to specific actions as examples of honesty. Thus we form a hierarchy under 'honest', which will extend to almost any level of detail, until we reach the 'deep structure' of meaning.

pacing & leading

As well as matching with others, you need to match between the parts of yourself. This requires what we term congruence, simply meaning that what you say and how you express it (in your total physiology, tone of voice, etc.) must harmonise. Research has shown that, although people may not always notice the actual body language a person adopts, they instinctively seem to spot disharmony between words and total physiology. Somehow we unconsciously pick up the communication signals. We also know from research that, when mismatched, people tend to take body language rather than the words we say as 'truth'. In fact, according to one major study, words alone account for a mere 7 per cent of the effectiveness of face-to-face communication. You will find it hard to fake congruence. So follow the rules of respect and staying within your natural comfort zone in all your communications. A fully congruent communication has enormous effect, whether a public presentation or a one-to-one conversation.

Pacing & Leading (4)

Pacing and leading can have powerful effects and it pays to use these techniques wisely. Have clear intentions. Why do you want to lead? How will your leading affect the other person and their interests (ecology)? You might succeed in manipulating the other person on one occasion; but in the longer term the relationship will probably suffer, and you will lose out. Sometimes in NLP we have to defend ourselves against accusations of manipulation. A tool or process cannot, in itself, manipulate - only the person who uses it. People manipulate with intention. Human beings have influenced each other for millennia, using all sorts of persuasive devices. If the intention brings mutual benefit, pacing and leading will help in just about any sales, negotiation, business meeting or learning situation. Used in a skillful, professional, morally sound way, it provides a powerful tool of communication.

 

Pacing & Leading (3)

But physiology and feelings closely relate. Thus. by changing your physiology, you can usually lead the other person to change their state. If you gradually pace and lead more positive physiology, voice patterns or language, you will help them regain a positive state of mind.

 

Pacing & Leading (2)

Put another way, when matching or pacing, you follow behaviour to achieve rapport. Once in rapport, you lead behaviour to persuade, humour, influence or whatever - to bring about your communication goals or outcomes. Through pacing and leading you can thus calibrate or measure the rapport you have created. Your success in leading a person depends on the quality or level of rapport you have built up. At the same time, your degree of success in leading calibrates the depth of the rapport. You can testyour pacing and leading skill. Change your actions slightly and notice if the other person follows - allow for a delay. Do they adopt a similar behaviour, voice tone or whatever? If not, you need to return to simple pacing (matching) to achieve rapport, then try again. When the person does instinctively follow, you have evidence both of rapport and your ability to lead. As well as affecting the other person's physiology, you can use leading to influence someone's feelings, approach, point of view or decisions. For example, if the other person's body language reflects a low emotional state, yours will too if you simply match them.

 

Pacing and leading (1)

Through pacing and leading you can establish and maintain rapport, and also bring about changes in the other person. NLP uses the term 'pacing' to refer to matching as an on-going process. The person with whom you wish to gain rapport sets the 'pace', including the speed and tone of voice and physical gesturing. Rather than instantaneous, reflex-like matching, you pace as if in a long race. In other words, you stay with the person. So you can use pacing as a strategic rather than a tactical skill, for instance in an important negotiating situation where you need to establish a meeting of minds. Although usually applied to physiological matching, you can also pace, for instance, experience, beliefs and values, and language, as I explained above. When 'leading', you gradually change your own behaviour (whilst maintaining rapport), in such a way that the other person intuitively matches, or 'follows' you.

 

Ability to lead

Ability to lead - Sometimes the other person begins to follow some of your movements, voice qualities or language. They 'keep pace' with you, and you 'lead' them. The next section discusses this in more detail.

 

Spontaneous comment

Spontaneous comment - People will sometimes literally tell you how they feel about a communication, and you may miss this if you only watch for hidden indicators. Listen for the other person making some positive statement, such as 'I agree', 'that's right' or 'absolutely'. 'We're on the same wave-length' or 'You must have read my mind' may indicate stronger rapport. In more formal situations, or with less explicit comments, you may have to detect and interpret such spontaneous indicators of rapport.

Colour change

Colour change - Watch for a change of colour in the other person's skin. You may not match such involuntary changes directly. But, having calibrated them, you may then match the state they indicate in your own way. For example, you will build rapport if you match the other person's mood - excited, animated, serious, amused or whatever characteristic their changes in skin colour might indicate. Along with skin colour, other minute changes have individual significance, such as breathing, lip size, pupil size, facial muscle tone, and small movements in the hands and feet.

 

Calibrating rapport (2)

An internal feeling - You may get a sense of 'connectedness' with the person. This calls upon natural, 'right-brain' intuitive skills that may have atrophied if you have not used them much. However, with practice, you can learn to sense these internal feelings. You may have to take a few risks in trusting your intuition, as it may not seem to square with logic. Right-brain feelings or 'chemistry' may not spell out any 'message' clearly. So choose simple, low-risk situations in which to try this out.

Calibrating rapport

Once you have practiced the different matching techniques, you can carry on to perfect your rapport skills to any level you wish. As well as establishing rapport, you also need to recognize whether rapport exists, and to what degree. We have already stressed the need for careful observation (sensory acuity) so that you can detect or measure (calibrate) rapport. Calibration, a term borrowed from engineering, refers in NLP to the way you can notice small reactions and 'measure' moment-to-moment changes in other people. You can then, if necessary, adjust your own behaviour. Calibration takes a lot of practice, and at first it may seem impossible to watch for so many things at the same time. Above we learnt about the different areas in which we can create and recognize rapport (matching physiology, voice, language and thinking style, beliefs and values, experience and interests, and breathing patterns). Now we introduce four more ways in which we can create and recognize rapport.

 

Matching breathing

As you learn to observe the 'micro' physiological movements and gestures covered earlier, you may also notice differences in breathing patterns. Breathing offers another opportunity for matching. Calibrating (or measuring) breathing takes practice and you may need to start using your movement-sensitive peripheral vision. While making eye contact you may notice peripherally the rise and fall of the person's shoulder which gives the rhythm of the breathing. You can then change your own breathing to match, which has the added benefit of allowing you to maintain control of your emotional state. Alternatively, you can crossover match by nodding your head in time with their breathing again, usually undetectable but powerful in building rapport.

Matching experience

Put one or two accountants together, or nurses, or aeroplane enthusiasts, and before long you will have plenty of conversation and rapport. The same thing happens when you meet a stranger from your home town or someone who attended the same school or university. Your experiences or 'maps' overlap, so you share common ground or 'likeness'. You can use the experience matching principle even more widely. When communicating with a random group of people, for instance, you can usually identify a common experience to which they can relate. Using the training analogy, for instance, all the participants have probably had to:

Drive through traffic to the event Brave the weather Give up other important things, or Get work duties sorted out before leaving the office

Even a common experience like 'We have all given up a day of our life to attend today's seminar, so let's make the most of it' can create an initial rapport on which to build a successful training or similar group event. Keep in mind perceived likeness. Give a nod of assent at every stage in the communication, especially when establishing rapport.

Matching beliefs and values

Deep-rooted values have special importance to people, and by matching them you can sometimes touch a person's 'hot button'. Universal, or macro, values and beliefs, like 'fairness', 'honesty' and 'courtesy' help to establish early rapport which you can build on, using physiological and other types of matching. Once you find a common basis of understanding, other matching techniques will usually work well.

Matching language and thinking style

Once you notice how differently people behave in everyday communication, you will start to recognize their thinking style and preferences. Matching a person's thinking style produces powerful rapport. The way we think in the three primary senses mirrors the way we use our senses externally.

Visual - People who think primarily in a visual way tend to use language that contains visual words and phrases, such as, 'I get the picture' or 'Let's try to put this into perspective'. You can create rapport by thinking in this way yourself, picturing internally the person's description and using the same sort of 'sensory words' (known in NLP as predicates).

Auditory - In the same way, auditory predicates, such as 'I hear what you say' or 'It sounds good to me', may indicate auditory thinking. By matching these words and recreating the sounds in your head, you will start to think the way the other person thinks, identify with their thinking style, and create rapport as you begin to 'speak their language'.

Kinesthetic - People who have a primarily kinesthetic thinking style will tend to use words related to feeling or touch, such as, 'We are getting to grips with the problem' or 'Things are going smoothly'. Start to get a feel for how these people express themselves, and use similar words and figures of speech. You will see how (notice I use a visual predicate), sometimes almost miraculously, rapport increases as you share their experience.